Letters of the week

Here are the letters I wish I could write this week:

Dear Target employee,

I understand that it isn’t your job to load my bags into my cart. And leaving them at the end of the check out stand is probably “how you were trained” – but could you not see that I had a crying baby, a crazed toddler, and bloodshot eyes?

Signed,

A baby in each hand and none to spare

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Dear doctor,

I realize that I drink too much soda, but when I say it isn’t caffeinated, please listen and spare me the lecture on my caffeine consumption. If you want to lecture me, do it instead on aspartame, dehydration, or how I’m setting a bad example for my children, which would more likely apply.

Signed,

All I wanted was a Pepsi

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Dear client,

I realize you believe I have nothing to do working from home, and can bend to your every need, but really folks. I’m not going to sit around on the day quarterly taxes are due and wait for you to make up your minds on how much to pay.

Signed,

Here are some blank forms, do it yourself.

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Dear Daughter,

Please have pity on your sleep-deprived mother and go back to bed rather than running around the house laughing at 11 pm.

Signed,

Can’t you see I’m trying to set up the stereo and don’t have the concentration to enforce the rules?

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Dear Son,

Whatever it is that’s waking you up, tell me so I can fix it.

Signed,

Clueless

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Dear Husband,

Thank you for picking up my slacking reigns this week. Thank you for putting up with unwashed clothes, dirty floors, take-out meals, and a grumpy, pooped-out wife.

Signed

Is three showers a week considered sexy?

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Dear computer/internet,

I realize you are working overtime. I realize the daily backups aren’t running smoothly. And I realize that you are getting hot up there in the closet. But PLEASE, no more crashing hard-drives, 5 minute load times, stalling on internet pages, and unresponsive programs. Or you may get trashed in a fit of frustration.

Signed

I’ve got a sledge-hammer and I’m not afraid to use it